Inventing Christmas

Don't ever invent a holiday that,

Takes the true story of a 4th century bishop from Turkey called "St. Nicholas" or "Sinterklaas" that gave to the poor;

Blends it with an ancient, pagan, Germanic holiday called "yule", with its celebratory ham, goat, yule log, and tree;

Merges that with the 17th century british idea of "Father Christmas";

Blends that with an elf from Nordic folklore named "Tomte";

Combines all that with a lampooned and americanized version of the bishop Sinterklaas called "Santa Claus" with priestly robes removed and replaced by the garb of a thick-bellied, 18th century Dutch sailor with a pipe and winter coat;

Puts the poor chap in the North Pole and gives him a fully mechanized production facility;

Makes him magically fly through the air with a sleigh loaded with presents for all children worldwide pulled by a team of flying reindeer (for hilarious physics analysis click here);

Requires parents to enter into a nationwide conspiracy to convince all children that this character is actually REAL;

Requires an enormous number of retail purchases by all adults in the country, to the point of literally sustaining the retail establishments for the entire year (no wonder this character appears each December spontaneously across the country in his chosen visiting spot: shopping malls);

Then claims that...IT'S A TIME TO CELEBRATE THE BIRTH OF JESUS.

Don't do it.

Instead, just call it Love Day or something like that, a day where we spend time with, and acknowledge our love and appreciation for our dear friends and family.

-Forsyth